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Subtle Danger Signals on the Domestic Front
If you've been around long enough, you're aware of the many things that can play havoc with domestic peace, even where the parties concerned are not short of goodwill and have the best of intentions. High up on the list of culprits here are poor communication habits, either on their own or in combination with other negative influences. This, surely, you also know. But what we often don't realize is how incredibly subtly these disruptive forces can operate, and how they slowly but surely erode the harmony of the home. Settle back, if you will, and reflect on these two imaginary scenarios. Scene OneJack and Jill are not long past being newlyweds. They are a loving and devoted couple, in anybody's language. One of Jack's special loves (apart from his new wife!) is counseling and tutoring handicapped children. With Jill's blessing and encouragement, he devotes two evenings a week to this pursuit. Jack's stint at the children's home begins at 7:30. He knows how eagerly the kids await his arrival, and besides, he's a punctual soul by nature. If - as happens more often than not - he has been held up by the traffic on the drive back from work, the adrenaline tends to surge a bit as he readies for the evening's outing. Being the loving and dutiful young spouse that she is, Jill would not dream, of course, of allowing her hardworking hubby to leave the house on an empty stomach. At the bare minimum, he is expected to down a plate of warm, nourishing soup, or to imbibe a cup of steaming hot coffee. But our hero is neither hungry nor thirsty. He can take a bite later at the institution, if he chooses, or when he gets back home. All he wants right now is to get moving. Every muscle is on tenterhooks; quite involuntarily, he feels the blood rising in his veins. But how can he offend Jill, who is straining every nerve to please him? And should she "rub it in" by asking his advice on some weighty matter just as he is stepping out the door, isn't she doing it to honor him? Quite subconsciously, the resentment builds up. If only poor Jill knew If only Jill knew? So, why doesn't he tell her? That, indeed, is the $64,000 question. **** Scene Two: Variation OneNow let's pay our hero and heroine another visit.. Jack works for a large company as a chemical engineer. A team that he leads has been busy for months, developing and testing a major new product. Jack has been in bright spirits of late, for the project is nearing completion and results have exceeded expectations. But today, a senior colleague walked in and asked all sorts of peculiar questions. He begged to differ on Jack's glowing assessment of the results. He tauntingly expressed his surprise that the company had invested time and money on - in his not so humble opinion - an exercise in futility. Jack arrives home, not in the best mood he's ever been. And how have things been going with Jill? Pretty well, actually...at least, until an hour ago. It was then that Jill walked out of their third floor apartment with a bag of garbage in her hand, to deposit it at the dump outside. Her lively mind being preoccupied with a thousand and one things, the tiny tear in the bag had escaped her notice. But that public-spirited neighbor of hers on the second floor. well, nothing ever escapes HER notice! And you've guessed it -if that good lady's eyes are sharp,her tongue is even sharper. An unsuspecting Jill is no match for her antagonist in the verbal onslaught that follows. Jill is shaken to the core and thoroughly confused. Did she really commit such a terrible crime? But she's comforted in the knowledge that her loving and coolheaded husband will be home within the hour. Surely, he'll resolve her doubts, and give her some of her self-esteem back. But - you've guessed it again! At best, Jack will hear her out politely and feign some interest, but his mind will be elsewhere. Worse, he'll respond with a few grunts. And worse still, he'll be visibly irritated. Understandable, even if not justified? You may or may not think so, depending, possibly, on your own gender. Scene Two: Variation TwoOK. But let's say that the very next day, one of Jack's bosses strolls into the lab. He heartily pats Jack on the back and tells him that everyone at the plant is SO proud of him. All can see already that the new product's a real winner. That fellow that stormed in yesterday? Don't worry about him - he's obviously jealous... Let's also assume that that nasty verbal exchange between Jill and her neighbor happened not yesterday, but today. Holding back her tears, Jill blurts out the story as soon as Jack walks in. Ironically, Jack can hardly wait to share his own news...good news. But he sees how agitated his wife is, and restrains himself. But being the astute young man that he is, Jack doesn't need to hear the whole recital before he pieces the whole thing together. Jill is only two or three sentences into her story when she is cut short: "Relax. I think it's shocking, but what's the big deal? I'll take care of that old so-and-so!" "Good, but you don't understand. I mean, do you realize how I feel? Do you think that she thinks that I'm just..." "Enough, enough already. Must you go on and on? Now, have I got something to tell YOU!" And so Jack proceeds forthwith to change the subject - callously and insensitively from Jill's point of view. But from his own perspective, his apparently unseeming impatience is well-intended enough: he can't wait to share good news with the most important person in his life... **** Make 'em still stronger!I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions on these imaginary episodes. I just want to add one thing. We sometimes tend to think that only relationships that are already falling apart need support and encouragement. Nothing could be further from the truth. In one of the communities I lived in, there were courses for married couples called "Marriage Enrichment". They weren't intended for problem marriages; on the contrary, if the course leaders suspected that your marriage wasn't strong, they wouldn't let you participate. Rather, the intention was, rather, to make strong marriages still stronger, and to fulfill the old precept: "prevention is better than cure." These courses were a resounding success. Something to think about, isn't it? Azriel Winnett is the creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website is devoted to helping you improve your communication and relationship skills on all levels in business and professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene.
Latest News:Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for news News Ltd buys Getprice NEWS Ltd is preparing itself for the online retailing explosion with the acquisition of comparison shopping site, Getprice.com.au. Alabama news links: Judge gives man 187 years in prison on child porn convictions News from around Alabama. News Near You for Sept. 6 This daily column features short news items from some of the 20 localities that make up the greater Richmond area. If you have a news item, call 649-6990 or e-mail us at news@times dispatch.com NEWS NEAR YOU PowhatanB-24 bomber pilot Neely Young will speak at the World War II Round ... News Briefs Good news for working mothers. Minister of Education, Gideon Saar, announced Monday his decision to extend tuition subsidies for children aged 3-4 in public nurseries. BREAKING NEWS - Child struck by car, car doesn't stop TUCSON - News 4 has confirmed that a child was hit by a vehicle in the area of Drexel and Mission. Officers on scene say the vehicle did not stop. They are actively searching for the driver. Northwest News: John Canzano blames lousy city leadership for baseball's demise in Portland; Say so long to the ... Northwest News is a daily roundup of what's making headlines in the Pacific Northwest. News by location Get local and national news updates via E-mail. LUMBERTON - The Robeson County Board of Commissioners is expected to approve a resolution Tuesday formally adopting a quarter-cent sales tax increase. News buys up shopping website NEWS Limited has signalled a push into the online retail space. News Snapshot: Exit 12B in South Burlington is back in the spotlight ? THE NEWS: The city of South Burlington and the Chittenden County Metropolitan Planning Organization will hold a public meeting to discuss the latest developments on a proposed exit ? 12B ? from Interstate 89 onto Vermont 116 near Kennedy Drive. News by location Get local and national news updates via E-mail. Ten drivers have now clinched spots in the Chase for the Sprint Cup. HAMPTON, Ga. - Tony Stewart raced to his first victory of the year, pulling away from Carl Edwards off the final restart Sunday night at Atlanta Motor Speedway. Site: news - Google News AP Top News at 7:45 pm EDT - The Associated Press
MORE RESOURCES: Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for marriage wedding Well-Off Wedding Couple Want Donations To Honor Their Dads DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are preparing for our wedding next spring. This is the first marriage for both of us. We are well-established in our careers and have a nice house with everything we need in it. Sham wedding vicar jailed for four years A vicar, a solicitor and an illegal immigrant have been jailed over the largest sham marriage scam ever prosecuted in the UK. (06/09/2010 12:09:02) The Saddest Nerd Wedding Photo Ever [Funny] # funny While Danish Ubuntu Solutions Provider Martin Pihl 's marriage "wasn't without hazzles", he "juuuust had to check my e-mail before the ceremony." You've got counseling! (Can I still make an AOL joke? I guess if people still use Ubuntu...) [ MartinPihl.dk ] More » Mysterious person stopped minor's wedding in Tamil Nadu Even as officials of Krishnagiri district heaved a sigh of relief after stopping a minor's marriage to a man twice her age Sunday, they are baffled about the identity of the person who faxed them the complaint. Vicar jailed over bogus marriage scam A Church of England vicar has been sentenced to four years in jail for his part in Britain's biggest sham marriage fraud. 61 year-old Reverend Alex Brown helped hundreds of African men gain permanent residency in the United Kingdom through bogus marriages to Eastern European women. Minor girl's fax to collector saves her from forced wedding A minor village girl from Tamil Nadu's Krishnagiri saved herself from a forced marriage to a man twice her age by faxing a complaint and her wedding invitation to the district collector. Facebook threats force French minister to postpone wedding As far as Eric Besson is concerned, Facebook, the social website, just became antisocial. The French Immigration minister, 52, has been forced to postpone his wedding to a 24-year-old Tunisian art student after more than 1,000 people signed up to a Facebook group which pledged to disrupt the ceremony. Marriage is laughing matter How does a former "Saturday Night Live" actor find inspiration for his comedy routines? For gay couples, marriage can be a name-changer In October 2008, racing against California's gay marriage ban, Chloe and Frankie Frankeny wed legally in San Francisco with one chore already done: Chloe had taken her wife's name two years before. Church of England vicar jailed for marriage scam A Church of England vicar who oversaw hundreds of sham marriages to help migrants settle illegally in Britain was jailed for four years on Monday. Site: marriage wedding - Google News Facebook threats force French minister to postpone wedding - Independent
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