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Shame and Guilt: A World of Difference
Learning to distinguish between two powerful emotions - superficially very similar but in practice, very different - is essential not only for healthy self-esteem but for fulfilling interpersonal relationships. Jill and Sharon (not their real names) worked on the same projects in close proximity to each other in a relatively small office. Their work was very pressured with one tight deadline to meet after another. Small wonder that the two of them were continually treading on each others toes and from time to time, the very palpable tension between them would boil over into heated arguments. One day they had such a fierce confrontation that if they hadn't been the mature adults that they were, it might very easily have become physical. The next day, Jill didn't report for duty. Neither was she at work on the following day - nor the one after that. When her boss and her fellow workers made enquiries, they discovered that for some time she had been suffering, on and off, from a serious illness that she had hidden from everyone. When Sharon learned of this, she almost went out of her mind. The last spat between the two of them kept replaying itself in her head. Maybe she was responsible for the sudden deterioration in her co-worker's health? Even assuming that the disease had been afflicting Jill for a long time already, perhaps Sharon's biting sarcasm and the force of her anger had weakened Jill further and made the condition worse? It took many soothing words, a great deal of patience and hours of gentle explanation on the part of Sharon's sympathetic but firm husband to get her eventually to snap out of her alternating hysteria and depression. He repeated over and over again that while the unkind words both Sharon and her colleague had hurled at each other were certainly not to be condoned, it was unreasonable and illogical to accept blame for Jill's deteriorating health. Most importantly, explained Sharon's husband, the overpowering feeling of guilt that was driving her to distraction every moment of the day was preventing her from functioning properly and was serving no one's interests - not hers and certainly not Jill's. I recently wrote a short article that I called Shame Should Be a Badge of Honor, which somehow hit a raw nerve for many and attracted a lot of interest. I decried the lack of healthy shame in today's society, a lack which leads to people committing dishonest, indecent, immoral and unethical acts under the public gaze in broad daylight without as much as batting an eyelid. In it's purest form, shame is a positive, healthy phenomenon. It is rooted in the desire for self-improvement and involves working with the intellect. It's all about personal responsibility, and is an elevating experience that provides an impetus for growth and promotes human dignity. It ultimately leads to enhanced interpersonal relationships. Irrational Guilt, on the other hand - in the sense that I'm talking about here - is not about self-control, but rather the reverse. It's a debilitating and even crippling experience that erodes self-esteem and has no positive outcome. It's not about the intellect. It's about the heart ruling the head in the most negative sense. In the end, rather than bringing people closer to their fellows, it creates barriers between them. This is surely a point of crucial significance. In practice, how do we ensure that positive shame will never degenerate into irrational guilt? Sometimes it's far from easy, as we see from Sharon's unfortunate episode. In extreme cases, professional help may be required, especially when recurring guilt feelings are precipitated by one or more traumatic incidents in a person's past life. Generally speaking, though, there's one yardstick that's useful in many different situations in determining whether a certain feeling, state of mind, or attitude is positive and constructive or unhealthy and destructive. What we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and ask ourselves the following question: "Honestly, what's motivating me? Is it my ego or am I motivated by a sincere interest in the the party I'm involved with or in the people around me?" Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily. Visit Azriel's blog at: http://hodu.com/blog.
Latest News:Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for news News Corp exec becomes chief of Germany's Premiere (Reuters via Yahoo! News) News Corp's chief financial officer for Europe and Asia has been named chief executive of German pay television group Premiere, following the resignation of Michael Boernicke, Premiere said on Wednesday. News Corporation to redevelop London Wapping site (Reuters via Yahoo! News) Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation is to redevelop its Wapping site in London, moving all its UK businesses, including News International, Harper Collins, MySpace and Dow Jones, under one roof. UPI NewsTrack Entertainment News (UPI) Chesney nominated for 7 CMAs ... Hoffman: I'm not playing Penguin ... 'RocknRolla' No. 1 at U.K. box office ... Jessica Simpson stops song on 'GMA' ... News from United Press International. DailyMe: News tailored to your individual tastes (The Christian Science Monitor) Column: Custom news websites come and go, but this one gets it right. Sarah Palin docu wins record ratings for Fox News (Reuters via Yahoo! News) In a week of records surrounding the Republican National Convention, Fox News Channel earned another one with its weekend documentary on vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. MySpace ad business ahead of target: News Corp (Reuters via Yahoo! News) News Corp's (NWSa.N) MySpace advertising business is operating ahead of expectations and its digital ad business is performing better than the marketplace, the company's chief operating officer said on Tuesday. STOCKS NEWS EUROPE-Erdemir shares fall on iron ore prices (Reuters via Yahoo! Malaysia News) STOCKS NEWS Reuters Results diary News Buzz: Recreating the Big Bang, Gates Urges Slow Iraq Drawdown, Ike Gains Strength (US News & World Report) Top news from the Associated Press For consumers, good news down the line (Sun-Sentinel) Whether you buy a new iPod or not, there may be good news for you in Apple's release of new iPods on Tuesday . Fox News Vaults To Top Of Primetime Ratings (MultiChannel News) Who says no one watches political conventions? Fox News Channel?s coverage of GOP Presidential nominee John McCain?s Sept. 4 acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention drew 9.2 million viewers, topping all other basic cable shows last week, according to Nielsen Media Research data. Site: news - Google News News Analysis A Difficult Road Awaits Panetta at the CIA - New York Times
MORE RESOURCES: Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for inspirational Inspirational Experts in Fashion, Cuisine and Lifestyle to Share Tips and Trends at Orange County Head to Toe Women's ... (PRWeb) Southern California's premiere women's consumer show, the Head to Toe Women's Expo returns to OC Fair and Event Center in Costa Mesa, Calif., October 10, 11 and 12, 2008. Presented by Ralphs Grocery, the Head to Toe Women's Expo gives mothers, daughters, and girlfriends a chance to reconnect during a weekend of shopping, pampering, makeovers and inspirational speakers. Several experts, ... http://firepit-plans.com Introduces "The Fire Pit Planner Guide" a Comprehensive Inspirational Guide to Building ... (PRWeb via Yahoo! News) http://firepit-plans.com is a new site that offers a unique do-it-yourself inspirational plan to building fire pits, the guide offers tips and advice on operating and constructing fire pits in the outdoors, house garden or backyard. Reporter's Notebook (Dallas Morning News) Certain parts of Irving City Hall will soon be getting makeovers. Residents and visitors can expect to see inspirational quotes on walls and prominent displays of the city?s mission statement within a couple of months. Bob Walter: Iraq hero gets moving tribute in Elk Grove Park (The Sacramento Bee) For a hero: As if anybody could forget Joe Nurre of Wilton, a fitting and permanent memorial to the inspirational Elk Grove High School football captain is attracting plenty of attention in Elk Grove Park. Joe Nurre A plaque dedicates an Elk Grove barbecue area to Joe Nurre. MCC Honors 9/11 Victims and Families (R News) Monroe Community College hosted a special 9/11 commemorative ceremony at the Remembrance Walk on the Brighton campus. The hour long event included music, inspirational speeches, a moment of silence and flowers placed at the base of the 9/11 monument there. Local review: 'Bill W. and Dr. Bob' entertaining, educational (The Pantagraph) For a gripping evening of theater as educational as it is inspirational, ?Bill W. and Dr. Bob? at Heartland Theatre Company, can?t be beat. Steve Amerson to Sing at the Congressional Medal of Honor Society's Convention (Christian News Wire) DENVER, Sept. 11 / Christian Newswire / -- Steve Amerson, well-known Inspirational music artist will be singing at the Congressional Medal of Honor Society's Annual Convention, A Celebration of Honor, in Denver, Colorado at the "Patriots Award Gala" on Friday, September 19, 2008. Radio pirate suspect arrested in Wilton Manors apartment (Sun-Sentinel) When you tune into FM 103.9 in Broward County , you're supposed to hear a sermon by Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale Pastor Bob Coy or inspirational music from the likes of Mercy Me and Steven Curtis Chapman. Randolph Reads kicks off with celebration (Asheboro Courier-Tribune) ASHEBORO ? A Randolph County initiative to unite the community in reading and discussing an inspirational non-fiction book about a nearby town?s struggles with change is under way. Honor Text Helps Americans to Remember (WCAV Charlottesville) The clock strikes 9:11am and your phone beeps, but it?s not your average text message. Instead, it?s an Honor Text, a brief inspirational message about some of America?s service men and women. Site: inspirational - Google News Gerard Lucien Gaudreau, inspirational speaker - Baltimore Sun
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