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If I Hurt You, Then Im Sorry
This statement has stopped many a war in my house. My oldest two children are two years apart in age and would fight about everything and nothing when they were little. One would anger the other and then deny that it ever happened. One would accidentally harm the other during play and not want to accept responsibility for the other's anger. Seldom did a day pass by that one of them wasn't screaming at the other for some horrible crime. It never failed when I would be brought in to mediate, they'd both claim they were innocent and the other was bad. How many times did one of them try to convince me that the other was lying and just trying to frame them for a crime they didn't commit. What's a parent to do? I really believe very strongly in teaching my kids to be accountable for their actions and choices. I want them to have their eyes wide open and to know full well that when they make a bad choice, bad things are likely to happen. And when they make good choices, that good things are likely to happen. I've worked really hard to get them to grasp the concept that if you treat people badly, they won't like you. Also, don't mess with other people's stuff without asking. Doesn't matter if you are a beautiful child of God. Nobody will want to hang out with you. Simple facts of life, but I don't see it being taught as much as I'd like. They say that we learn our social skills from our siblings and the neighborhood kids. We role model what our parents show us, but we practice it on our peers. One of the things I hated most in my own childhood was being forced to apologize for things I didn't do. I also hated being forced to apologize when I was simply defending my person or my property from a known attacker, mainly my younger sister and brother. I have also had too many adults in my life apologize for things they were not sorry for and then later they just repeat the same actions over and over again. When people say they're sorry, I often think to myself, "Good then don't do it again." Changing the behavior is so much more important to me then just offering up the words, "I'm sorry." I wanted to teach my children that you should never offer fake apologies and you should only apologize when you really mean it. However, I also wanted them to take responsibility for the environment of anger that they were helping to create. Somehow I had to find the perfect peace-making face-saving way to teach all of these concepts. What I finally stumbled across was a twisted compromise. When you are feeling falsely accused of something and the other person won't back down, then you simply say, "If I hurt you, then I'm sorry." Then you bite your tongue, hard. Don't say another word. Don't snicker and don't sneer. Just say it straight faced and let it go at that. You can tell yourself that since you did NOT hurt them, you are NOT sorry. They can tell themselves that you are sorry since they feel that you did hurt them. You don't actually confess to any crimes. Besides what if on some level without knowing it, you did hurt them in some way? Wouldn't you want to have said sorry for at least that tiny part? Soon peace began to show itself at my house. They would both smugly tell themselves that they had won the war of the day. I would get the much needed peace and tranquility that I needed. It didn't take long at all for me to see that this statement works just as well in the adult world too. Try it at work on a coworker some time and see how well they respond. Try it in your marriage. Try it with your extended family. It works on so many different levels. It can be said in light disagreements or in major all out family wars. It always works. On some level you mean it, except for the parts where you don't. Don't get into arguing over exactly what parts of the fight you are sorry for or taking blame for. Agree not to bicker over the details of the apology. You can expand it to say, "If during our disagreement, I have said or done anything that has hurt you, I am sorry. That was not my intention. I never wanted to hurt you." You are not lying and you are offering an olive branch. You really did not want to hurt the other person. You simply wanted to make your point. This allows you to save face but still begin the healing process. Try it sometime. I don't think it works for really heinous things like rape, murdering someone's loved one, arson, or all out military warfare. It only works for forgivable stuff. If you believe everything and everyone is forgivable, then you can try saying it, but I expect nobody will really buy into it. If Hitler said it to the Jewish peoples or Charles Manson said it to his victims' families, I doubt seriously that it would have created any real peace. When something truly ugly happens, you do have to flat out admit full guilt and a full real apology is mandatory before real forgiveness and healing can even begin to occur. This form of apology isn't for that sort of thing. This is meant only for the hundreds of petty squabbles that we get drawn into and it's a way to create a general atmosphere of peace and healing. This is for the people that you ultimately want to stay close to. This is an apology for those annoying people that you love with all your heart, but don't want to fight with anymore. Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge About The Author Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow's Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, soulmates, and parenting. Her books, articles, and astrological forecasts have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. To read more of her articles and to sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net. To download free previews of her books, go to www.SkyeThomas.com.
Latest News:Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for news News Corp exec becomes chief of Germany's Premiere (Reuters via Yahoo! News) News Corp's chief financial officer for Europe and Asia has been named chief executive of German pay television group Premiere, following the resignation of Michael Boernicke, Premiere said on Wednesday. News Corporation to redevelop London Wapping site (Reuters via Yahoo! News) Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation is to redevelop its Wapping site in London, moving all its UK businesses, including News International, Harper Collins, MySpace and Dow Jones, under one roof. UPI NewsTrack Entertainment News (UPI) Chesney nominated for 7 CMAs ... Hoffman: I'm not playing Penguin ... 'RocknRolla' No. 1 at U.K. box office ... Jessica Simpson stops song on 'GMA' ... News from United Press International. DailyMe: News tailored to your individual tastes (The Christian Science Monitor) Column: Custom news websites come and go, but this one gets it right. Sarah Palin docu wins record ratings for Fox News (Reuters via Yahoo! News) In a week of records surrounding the Republican National Convention, Fox News Channel earned another one with its weekend documentary on vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. MySpace ad business ahead of target: News Corp (Reuters via Yahoo! News) News Corp's (NWSa.N) MySpace advertising business is operating ahead of expectations and its digital ad business is performing better than the marketplace, the company's chief operating officer said on Tuesday. STOCKS NEWS EUROPE-Erdemir shares fall on iron ore prices (Reuters via Yahoo! Malaysia News) STOCKS NEWS Reuters Results diary News Buzz: Recreating the Big Bang, Gates Urges Slow Iraq Drawdown, Ike Gains Strength (US News & World Report) Top news from the Associated Press For consumers, good news down the line (Sun-Sentinel) Whether you buy a new iPod or not, there may be good news for you in Apple's release of new iPods on Tuesday . Fox News Vaults To Top Of Primetime Ratings (MultiChannel News) Who says no one watches political conventions? Fox News Channel?s coverage of GOP Presidential nominee John McCain?s Sept. 4 acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention drew 9.2 million viewers, topping all other basic cable shows last week, according to Nielsen Media Research data. Site: news - Google News Palm Unveils New 'Nova' Software, 'Palm Pre' Phone - CNNMoney.com
MORE RESOURCES: Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for inspirational Inspirational Experts in Fashion, Cuisine and Lifestyle to Share Tips and Trends at Orange County Head to Toe Women's ... (PRWeb) Southern California's premiere women's consumer show, the Head to Toe Women's Expo returns to OC Fair and Event Center in Costa Mesa, Calif., October 10, 11 and 12, 2008. Presented by Ralphs Grocery, the Head to Toe Women's Expo gives mothers, daughters, and girlfriends a chance to reconnect during a weekend of shopping, pampering, makeovers and inspirational speakers. Several experts, ... http://firepit-plans.com Introduces "The Fire Pit Planner Guide" a Comprehensive Inspirational Guide to Building ... (PRWeb via Yahoo! News) http://firepit-plans.com is a new site that offers a unique do-it-yourself inspirational plan to building fire pits, the guide offers tips and advice on operating and constructing fire pits in the outdoors, house garden or backyard. Reporter's Notebook (Dallas Morning News) Certain parts of Irving City Hall will soon be getting makeovers. Residents and visitors can expect to see inspirational quotes on walls and prominent displays of the city?s mission statement within a couple of months. Bob Walter: Iraq hero gets moving tribute in Elk Grove Park (The Sacramento Bee) For a hero: As if anybody could forget Joe Nurre of Wilton, a fitting and permanent memorial to the inspirational Elk Grove High School football captain is attracting plenty of attention in Elk Grove Park. Joe Nurre A plaque dedicates an Elk Grove barbecue area to Joe Nurre. MCC Honors 9/11 Victims and Families (R News) Monroe Community College hosted a special 9/11 commemorative ceremony at the Remembrance Walk on the Brighton campus. The hour long event included music, inspirational speeches, a moment of silence and flowers placed at the base of the 9/11 monument there. Local review: 'Bill W. and Dr. Bob' entertaining, educational (The Pantagraph) For a gripping evening of theater as educational as it is inspirational, ?Bill W. and Dr. Bob? at Heartland Theatre Company, can?t be beat. Steve Amerson to Sing at the Congressional Medal of Honor Society's Convention (Christian News Wire) DENVER, Sept. 11 / Christian Newswire / -- Steve Amerson, well-known Inspirational music artist will be singing at the Congressional Medal of Honor Society's Annual Convention, A Celebration of Honor, in Denver, Colorado at the "Patriots Award Gala" on Friday, September 19, 2008. Radio pirate suspect arrested in Wilton Manors apartment (Sun-Sentinel) When you tune into FM 103.9 in Broward County , you're supposed to hear a sermon by Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale Pastor Bob Coy or inspirational music from the likes of Mercy Me and Steven Curtis Chapman. Randolph Reads kicks off with celebration (Asheboro Courier-Tribune) ASHEBORO ? A Randolph County initiative to unite the community in reading and discussing an inspirational non-fiction book about a nearby town?s struggles with change is under way. Honor Text Helps Americans to Remember (WCAV Charlottesville) The clock strikes 9:11am and your phone beeps, but it?s not your average text message. Instead, it?s an Honor Text, a brief inspirational message about some of America?s service men and women. Site: inspirational - Google News Gerard Lucien Gaudreau, inspirational speaker - Baltimore Sun
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