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American Independence - The True Story
It was late in 1775, and King George III was at Buckingham Palace, sitting in reflective mood on his commode. His 13 year old son Prince George (yes, they were very imaginative with their names, those royal types), was sitting on the floor nearby, otherwise occupied with the 18th century equivalent of Game Boy: a model soldier with a rifle sat on a model elephant, shooting at a model tiger two planks of wood away. Their peace, tranquility, and respective modes of concentration were broken by the excited entry of a royal messenger. You could be excused for thinking that he had arrived over 200 years early for an audition for "Robin Hood - Men In Tights". The tight clad messenger hesitated before the King, seemingly unsure of whether to bow or curtsy. It was not clear whether this was caused by uncertainty over his own sexuality, or that he had been out of the country so long he had forgotten the refinements of British court life. He bowed. "Your Highness", he said, breathlessly. "I have grievous news from the Americas." The King looked puzzled for a moment, but Prince George ignored his Game Boy and started to pay attention. Finally, the King said: "The Americas? Is that one of my domains?" "Yes, your Highness, it is the 13 American colonies." "Aah," said the King, "since I past the 100 mark I've had trouble remembering them all." "The news is not good," the messenger resumed. "It seems that some strange illness, a virus, has hit the whole population. It has had a terrible effect, your Highness. It has affected their vocal chords. All the population is affected." "Why is that so grievous? Do they not have a doctor over there?" the King asked in unworldly innocence. "Your Highness. They can no longer speak the King's English. They've all started speaking in a strange accent, and all the words of the King's English are being distorted. They sound like they're of another world. The virus is so virulent, your Highness, nobody can speak the King's English any more." "This virus, could it have been planted by the French? They're so jealous of all my colonies; they'd stop at nothing," the King responded. "This accent they all now speak in, this foreign tongue, does it sound French?" "Thankfully not, your Highness. But how would the French smuggle this virus in?" asked the messenger. "You remember Troy? The Trojan horse? That's how they'd do it, the sneaky French. Trust them to use a Trojan horse to get a virus into my domain," the King conjectured. The messenger looked anxiously and expectantly at the King, who went on: "There's only one thing for it. I cannot have subjects from my own land not speaking the King's English." He waved his arm dismissively. "Get rid of them", he said. "Leave them to fend for themselves. I know they'll never survive on their own, let alone progress, but we cannot have my Kindom corrupted by those virus ridden settlers." "But your Highness, don't you think you should visit the territory to assess the problems for yourself?" the messenger suggested. The King shook his head knowingly. "We have no cure for this mysterious virus. What would be the point of my going?" Prince George looked across pleadingly: "Oh, please, go Daddy. I want those domains." "No son, those colonies are no longer part of my realm, and will not be part of yours to inherit," the King replied. With the wave of a hand, the King dismissed his American colonies. But it was not the end of the story by far. The messenger was sent on his way to tell the King's officials to prepare papers that would lead the way to American Independence; and just as an afterthought, he also sent a message to Parliament, to inform them of his declaration of American Independence. Matters of state moved quite slowly those days, but by January of 1776 the British officials had prepared a paper entitled: The British Route To American Independence. Armed with this historic document, the King's messenger set off for what the King now regarded as his former American colonies. This was no Instant Messenger. The British and French had not yet been on friendly enough terms for the Concorde to have been born, so it was down to a long and arduous journey by ship. The messenger arrived on American soil several weeks later, carrying The British Route to American Independence. Local British representatives were briefed on the King's instructions. There was no such thing as a photocopier in those days, so there were just two handwritten copies of this historic document. One was to be retained by the King's messenger, the other to be given to the leader of the colonists. The most common means of communication then was still word of mouth, and that was to lead to a turn of events that has irrevocably altered non-history. Not only was communication verbal, but it was slow. The virus that had afflicted the vocal chords of colonists had already affected the pronunciation of route. What was "root" in the King's English, had become "rout" (as in out) in those affected by this mystery virus. So, as news of the King's declaration began to leak, the initial chatter in American quarters became about the British "rout" to American Independence. A British official in Boston heard of all this chatter about American Independence and the British rout. Now, in the King's English, he thought that the British had been routed, which meant they had been hammered, beaten to a pulp. In a game of football it would have been a like one side scoring 13 goals against 0. The British, all of a sudden, had been routed by the American colonists. The British official panicked, and with others in Boston, planned their escape by sea. Their troops had been routed, or so they thought, so they had no choice but to escape on the first ship out of Boston Harbour. That was in May 1776. As the ship left the bay, the people of Boston started to get wind of what had happened. The British troops had been soundly beaten by the colonist forces. They were jubilant, and quickly organized a giant celebration in an open plaza by the sea. The local t-shirt manufacturer quickly designed an American flag, and ran off thousands of t-shirts with the flag printed on front and back. Local Irish bar owners unlocked their secret vaults of stockpiles of Guinness, and carted the crates out to the plaza for the impromptu celebration. Bostonians were each given their own t-shirt, which they were proud to put on instantly, and a half share of a crate of Guinness. They drank long into the night, and as each crate of Guinness was emptied, it was tossed into Boston Harbour, or as they now called it, Boston Harbor. This great event became known as the Boston T-shirt Party (later to be revised to Boston Tea party and moved back to 1773.) Over a period of a few months to the end of June 1776, similar scenes were repeated across the colonies. The news of the British rout had reached the British troops in the field, one battalion at a time, and they laid down their arms, believing that their army had been defeated. All of the stories circulating were of the British being badly beaten, and soon of mass surrenders. Forlorn British officials who made it back to London were full of stories of army defeats and other humiliation. The troops themselves were too ashamed to return and face the wrath of their King. King George III toyed with the idea of making a speech on the balcony of Buckingham Palace about his granting of independence to the American colonies. However, the court historian pointed out that monarchs didn't yet do such things. A speech in the House of Lords was ruled out, as it was too high a place to discuss settlers, albeit in a former domain. And so it was, that on July 4th 1776, the Foreign Secretary stood up in the House of Commons and formally granted independence to the 13 American colonies. Back in the former colonies, things had moved on apace. Stories of victories over the British abounded, but as they had not actually happened, they tended to be vague. There must be some great stories in the war, everyone thought, and in the many victorious battles which had led to the rout of the British troops. But where was the detail? Colony leaders began to despair. How can they record these proud moments of their history with a single sentence "The British Have Been Routed." Exactly when? Where? In Washington, a special secret meeting of the Continental Congress was held. It just happened that one of the members was a keen theatre patron, and had been talking to a thesbian group who had been on tour and performing locally. They had their own scriptwriters, led by a young lady called Holly Wood. An excited Congress, prompted by the forceful Holly, started to piece together the events that led up to what they would announce as The American Declaration of Independence. They decided to start in 1773, and put the historic "facts" together from there. One of them had heard about the Boston T-shirt Party; another was a disgruntled tea importer. They came up with the Boston Tea Party story as a kick off for the anti British movement that would lead, via a war and many great battles, to American independence. For the last few days of June and the first 2 days of July, the team of scriptwriters, or non-historians, worked day and night to put together a solid and impressive history for the American Wars of Independence. When another secret Congress gathered to hear the revised history, the representatives lapped it up. "That's it," they declared unanimously. "But how do we put all this out to the American public." The group of scriptwriters was again put to work, so that by the morning of July 4th, everything was in place. The history, and the publicity, was all ready to present to the awaiting American public. Thus, two great institutions were born in July 1776. No, not the Senate and the House of Representatives; they came later. No, it was two institutions more far reaching: Political Spin, and Hollywood. (Please note, any resemblance between the above and American, British or Guinness history, is purely co-incidental.) Roy Thomsitt is owner and part author of http://www.routes-to-self-improvement.com
Latest News:Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for news Sarah Palin docu wins record ratings for Fox News (Reuters via Yahoo! News) In a week of records surrounding the Republican National Convention, Fox News Channel earned another one with its weekend documentary on vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. MySpace ad business ahead of target: News Corp (Reuters via Yahoo! News) News Corp's (NWSa.N) MySpace advertising business is operating ahead of expectations and its digital ad business is performing better than the marketplace, the company's chief operating officer said on Tuesday. Relief: Cubs get good news on Zambrano, Harden (ESPN) The Cubs received encouraging news on pitchers Rich Harden and Carlos Zambrano on Tuesday. False bankruptcy item highlights risks in online news (Market Watch) Investors are getting a fresh lesson in the power and perils of lightning-fast news on the Web in an already fast-moving market. Petraeus to Brief FOX News on Final Battlefield Tour (Fox News) Gen David Petraeus, fresh off an announcement that thousands of U.S. troops will be withdrawn from Iraq, will give his final U.S. interview to FOX News Wednesday before handing over control of U.S.-led forces in Iraq to Gen. Raymond Odierno next week. Lesson 6: Broadcasting news (BBC News) Students practise reading the news and produce a news programme adhering to a strict deadline. UPI NewsTrack Quirks in the News (UPI) Car crash knocks woman off toilet ? Woman uses Feng Shui after car hits home ? Mistakenly diagosed man gives away savings ? Wisconsin man eats 23,000 Big Macs ? UPI Quirks in the News. Lesson 5: Ordering news (BBC News) Students order several reports to make a news programme which appeals to a specific audience. Lesson 3: Writing News (BBC News) Students write a news script which is clear, concise and correct - the three Cs of journalism. Yahoo News Redesign May Pull a Technorati ? Why Not Twitter? (Wired News) Bloggers have uncovered URLs for a new Yahoo News layout which includes a ?Most Blogged? section. The list is presumably based off Buzz Tracker, which displays related blog posts and those that link back to an article. But wouldn't a "Twittered About" section make the site seem more cutting-edge? Site: news - Google News CNET News Daily Podcast: Say hello to the Palm Pre - CNET News
MORE RESOURCES: Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for humor New play finds humor in horror (Brigham Young NewsNet) 'Bread of Affliction,' a new production by the BYU Experimental Theatre Company, which will run Sept. 12 and 13, demonstrates how the Jewish people have survived many things largely through the power of humor. 'Whole lotta kid' kept humor despite cancer (Miami Herald) From the minute he was born, on Nov. 22, 1995, at 8.2 pounds, Bailey Blu Kayes was ``a whole lotta kid.'' He was, said his mother, Nicole Bailey, ``all energy -- running full speed, nonstop.'' TenantReports.com Injects a Sense of Humor into the Housing Market Amidst Credit Crisis (PRWeb) The mortgage meltdown makes tenant screening more important than ever for independent real estate investors. Real estate services site, www.TenantReports.com , aims to educate landlords on effectively screening potential tenants, while bringing a smile to those wrought with anxiety or fear of foreclosure at the thought of taking on tenants who can't pay the rent. (PRWeb Sep 11, 2008) Read ... Try humor to discourage kids' drama (The Charlotte Observer) Q. Our 16-year-old daughter constantly tells her younger siblings what to do and how to do it, and that the way they do things isn't good enough. It creates daily friction. What can we do to make it stop? A sense of humor would help. Fifty-plus years ago parents took child-raising seriously, but they took children, for the most part, with the proverbial grain of salt. Today's parents take ... Glossy thriller "Fringe" has heart, humor (Reuters via Yahoo! News) Strange things are happening, which is what you'd expect in a new series from J.J. Abrams. York County calendar of events (York County Coast Star) Talk: "The Art of Maine Humor" by Tim Sample at the Ogunquit Museum of American Art, at 6:30 p.m. 646-5511 / www.ogunquitplayhouse.org. Golden anniversary for Davidsons (Georgetown Record) What keeps a marriage strong and healthy for 50 years? The grown children of Georgetown residents Bob and Betty Davidson think it is their love of strong family values plus a shared sense of humor and acceptance of each other. ?Spiderwick Chronicles? comes to Fenton library (Tri-County Times) Fenton ? What do you get when you cross ice cream with a VCR? The answer? A ?time-out.? ?Hob the troll? from the Renaissance Festival, with his own special humor, music and stories, was the highlight of a ?Spiderwick Chronicles? event at Jack R. Winegarden Library in Fenton. Varner: College education puts wage earners ahead of curve (The Pantagraph) A grandfather in the area sent an e-mail commenting on a recent article and also remembered my youthful enthusiasm, humor and respect for students. He couldn?t however quite remember when he was in my class. A quick check in the grade book showed it was fall 1975. I was brand new at Illinois State University. God has a sense of humor (The South Alabamian) Psalm 59 :7-8 (NLT) "Listen to the filth that comes from their mouths; their words cut like swords. 'After all, who can hear us?' they sneer. But LORD, you laugh at them. You scoff at all the hostile nations." Jesus faced the problem of pride with many of his closest disciples. Site: humor - Google News 'Darwin Awards': accidental humor - Baltimore Sun
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