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He Had It Coming, Your Honor
This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around our sprawling estate, I realized that my life is just way too laid back. What with our perfect children, our incredible level of financial independence and perfect hard bodies, I felt inspired to do something to shake things up a bit. "Hey, Mr. Man," I said to my sweet Baboo, "What do you say we get up real early in the morning and drive two hours to a hospital as big as Disney World so I can get their Monday Thyroid Biopsy Special? I think that would be a hoot." "Why sure, Honey," said Man. "I think that'd be just a swell idea. Let's do that." And so we did. We woke up at dawn, picked out the perfect matching his and her outfits and had our driver take us to the big city while we drank champagne in the back of the limo. "Ms. Crazy On Your Face, how lovely to see you," said my physician. "Before we begin, let me tell you a little about the procedure. I will be taking samples of fluid from the lumps in your swan-like neck, which will require the use of several needles of varying lengths. You're in charge, so if you feel any discomfort, just tell me and I'll stop." "Say, Doc. What about the use of some sort of numbing agent for this possible discomfort of which you speak?" I asked. "Oh, I don't like to use those kinds of medicines before this type of procedure. I find it makes my job more difficult and I'm way too important to have to work hard," said Dr. Evil. "Besides, you'll be fine". Everyone in the room agreed that what is most important in a situation like this one is keeping it simple for the doctor. Before I knew it, Dr. Demento placed a pillow under my shoulders and tilted my head backwards as far as it could go. It was as close as I had come to doing a back bend since I was fifteen and trying to impress the testosterone carriers of East Rutherford High. "Just relax, Dear. But no matter what, do not move one tiny, tiny bit or else something terrible and irreversible could happen to you. And of course, I have no intentions of telling you what that is, so it'll be a complete surprise." he said. "Ok. Here comes the first little stick." Hmmm. "Excuse me, Doctor," I said calmly. I think you have confused me with another patient. I'm not here to have the 'Bic ink pen jammed in your throat' biopsy." "Are you feeling some discomfort?" he asked. "Why, yes. Now that you mention it, I am." "Mr. Man, would you come sit beside your overdramatic woman and allow her to hold your hand for support before we begin again?" I took Mr. Man's hand in mine, and drew in a deep breath just like Dr. Torture advised in order to lessen my discomfort. As everyone knows, breathing in and out is every bit as good as a morphine drip. Sometimes, if I don't carefully monitor my breathing at home, I get good and stoned. "Ok. A little stick again." "Wow. That's odd," I calmly said to Doc Devil. "When you said 'little stick' I didn't realize you were talking about the one you had picked up from your backyard at home. I'm going to need you to remove the oak branch you have thrust into my neck as it is entirely unpleasant." "Are you feeling discomfort?" the sorry son of a cherry picker asked. "In fact, I am," I answered. "And judging by the tears streaming down Mr. Man's face, I'm guessing he is feeling a certain level of discomfort as a result of the large number of bones I have shattered in his hand." "Nurse Torture, would you mind giving me the biggest needle you can possibly find for my third stick?" Dr. Satan instructed. "If you can't find one at least a foot long, call my wife and ask her to bring something from the private collection I keep in my chamber...uh, I mean my basement." And so with what resembled a sharp railroad spike hovering over my face, he reminded me again to relax. Once more I heard those magic words, "Little stick." What happened next you will likely hear more about when I am interviewed by Diane Sawyer from my prison cell. Let's just say I may have caused him a slight amount of discomfort when I attached his Sphynomanometer to his family jewels and ever so gently put his Otoscope in some place other than his ear. Hey, it's not like I didn't warn him. "Take a deep breath, Big Boy," I said. "You're about to feel a little stick." Sher Bailey is a freelance writer living somewhere in the midwest, very likely in a trailer park or a van down by the river. Quite the recluse, she makes only the occasional appearance in the Moon Pie section of Wal-Mart or at road side stands that sell pictures of Elvis on crushed velvet.Read more at http://www.Wiping-The-Crazy-Off-My-Face.com.
Latest News:Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for news Sarah Palin docu wins record ratings for Fox News (Reuters via Yahoo! News) In a week of records surrounding the Republican National Convention, Fox News Channel earned another one with its weekend documentary on vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. MySpace ad business ahead of target: News Corp (Reuters via Yahoo! News) News Corp's (NWSa.N) MySpace advertising business is operating ahead of expectations and its digital ad business is performing better than the marketplace, the company's chief operating officer said on Tuesday. Relief: Cubs get good news on Zambrano, Harden (ESPN) The Cubs received encouraging news on pitchers Rich Harden and Carlos Zambrano on Tuesday. False bankruptcy item highlights risks in online news (Market Watch) Investors are getting a fresh lesson in the power and perils of lightning-fast news on the Web in an already fast-moving market. Petraeus to Brief FOX News on Final Battlefield Tour (Fox News) Gen David Petraeus, fresh off an announcement that thousands of U.S. troops will be withdrawn from Iraq, will give his final U.S. interview to FOX News Wednesday before handing over control of U.S.-led forces in Iraq to Gen. Raymond Odierno next week. Lesson 6: Broadcasting news (BBC News) Students practise reading the news and produce a news programme adhering to a strict deadline. UPI NewsTrack Quirks in the News (UPI) Car crash knocks woman off toilet ? Woman uses Feng Shui after car hits home ? Mistakenly diagosed man gives away savings ? Wisconsin man eats 23,000 Big Macs ? UPI Quirks in the News. Lesson 5: Ordering news (BBC News) Students order several reports to make a news programme which appeals to a specific audience. Lesson 3: Writing News (BBC News) Students write a news script which is clear, concise and correct - the three Cs of journalism. Yahoo News Redesign May Pull a Technorati ? Why Not Twitter? (Wired News) Bloggers have uncovered URLs for a new Yahoo News layout which includes a ?Most Blogged? section. The list is presumably based off Buzz Tracker, which displays related blog posts and those that link back to an article. But wouldn't a "Twittered About" section make the site seem more cutting-edge? Site: news - Google News Palm Unveils New 'Nova' Software, 'Palm Pre' Phone - CNNMoney.com
MORE RESOURCES: Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for humor New play finds humor in horror (Brigham Young NewsNet) 'Bread of Affliction,' a new production by the BYU Experimental Theatre Company, which will run Sept. 12 and 13, demonstrates how the Jewish people have survived many things largely through the power of humor. 'Whole lotta kid' kept humor despite cancer (Miami Herald) From the minute he was born, on Nov. 22, 1995, at 8.2 pounds, Bailey Blu Kayes was ``a whole lotta kid.'' He was, said his mother, Nicole Bailey, ``all energy -- running full speed, nonstop.'' TenantReports.com Injects a Sense of Humor into the Housing Market Amidst Credit Crisis (PRWeb) The mortgage meltdown makes tenant screening more important than ever for independent real estate investors. Real estate services site, www.TenantReports.com , aims to educate landlords on effectively screening potential tenants, while bringing a smile to those wrought with anxiety or fear of foreclosure at the thought of taking on tenants who can't pay the rent. (PRWeb Sep 11, 2008) Read ... Try humor to discourage kids' drama (The Charlotte Observer) Q. Our 16-year-old daughter constantly tells her younger siblings what to do and how to do it, and that the way they do things isn't good enough. It creates daily friction. What can we do to make it stop? A sense of humor would help. Fifty-plus years ago parents took child-raising seriously, but they took children, for the most part, with the proverbial grain of salt. Today's parents take ... Glossy thriller "Fringe" has heart, humor (Reuters via Yahoo! News) Strange things are happening, which is what you'd expect in a new series from J.J. Abrams. York County calendar of events (York County Coast Star) Talk: "The Art of Maine Humor" by Tim Sample at the Ogunquit Museum of American Art, at 6:30 p.m. 646-5511 / www.ogunquitplayhouse.org. Golden anniversary for Davidsons (Georgetown Record) What keeps a marriage strong and healthy for 50 years? The grown children of Georgetown residents Bob and Betty Davidson think it is their love of strong family values plus a shared sense of humor and acceptance of each other. ?Spiderwick Chronicles? comes to Fenton library (Tri-County Times) Fenton ? What do you get when you cross ice cream with a VCR? The answer? A ?time-out.? ?Hob the troll? from the Renaissance Festival, with his own special humor, music and stories, was the highlight of a ?Spiderwick Chronicles? event at Jack R. Winegarden Library in Fenton. Varner: College education puts wage earners ahead of curve (The Pantagraph) A grandfather in the area sent an e-mail commenting on a recent article and also remembered my youthful enthusiasm, humor and respect for students. He couldn?t however quite remember when he was in my class. A quick check in the grade book showed it was fall 1975. I was brand new at Illinois State University. God has a sense of humor (The South Alabamian) Psalm 59 :7-8 (NLT) "Listen to the filth that comes from their mouths; their words cut like swords. 'After all, who can hear us?' they sneer. But LORD, you laugh at them. You scoff at all the hostile nations." Jesus faced the problem of pride with many of his closest disciples. Site: humor - Google News 'Darwin Awards': accidental humor - Baltimore Sun
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