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When Change Comes (Dealing With Grief and Loss)
Needless to say, the time after loss is volatile and confusing for most people. Unresolved issues come to the fore and questions we have not answered must often be confronted. Along with a sense of abandonment and sorrow, anger often arises. Most have little understanding of what they are going through, or what to expect in the future. Facing the unknown can produce additional fear. Yet crisis means opportunity. When the process of grief is handled properly suffering can be diminished and symptoms that may appear later, can be forestalled.It is even possible for the individual to grow a great deal during this time and benefit from the experience. The more we understand what we are going through, the less out of control we will feel. At a time like this we need context, meaning and direction. We need to know what to expect and how to handle the many changes that are happening. The Dynamics of Loss and Grief Each person reacts differently to loss and that is fine. Some feel abandoned, others feel betrayed and afraid. Some reach out for love and comfort, while others withdraw, wanting time alone. Some go into denial and seem not to register the loss that has happened. These individuals are often unconsciously processing what has happened, not ready to face reality yet. They may fear they will be overwhelmed if they allow themselves to register what has gone on at this time. It is best not to pressure a person to react differently. When the individual is accepted for who they are at the moment, it is easier for them to let go, and move on. This entire process takes time.It helps greatly to realize that the pain we go through during grief is normal. It does not mean there is something wrong with us. We need not feel ashamed of or afraid of our feelings. What Happens When We Are Grieving When we are grieving, interest in the outside world subsides, we slow down, sleep more, our social activities seem less meaningful. This is not necessarily bad. An individual may need more time alone. In this process the grieving individual is contemplating the nature of their lives and relationships, and coming to terms with the person they've lost. They may be reviewing that which was left unsaid or undone. Grief is usually most difficult when the individual has had troubled or incomplete relationship. When there have been unsolved conflicts left behind, this makes it harder to be at peace. Many spend time blaming themselves for what they did or didn't do. Others blame doctors, helpers or family members. Casting blame is a way of removing the guilt and sorrow we feel. The sooner they are able to let go of blame and accusations, the sooner they start on the road of healing. Let Go Of Blame Blame, self hate and other forms of anger, are common during grief. Although it is important not to repress anger and disappointment, it is best to feel it and then let it go. Some individuals hold onto anger as a way of keeping connected to the person or situation they have lost. The truth is that anger always keeps us out of balance. It is a poison to the one who holds onto it. Coming To Terms - Steps You Can Take Ultimately one must reconcile oneself to what happened. Most people do all they can to avoid experiencing their feelings or situation directly. Many fear that if they face their suffering, it will make them feel small and helpless. Actually, the opposite is true. In order to deal with grief wisely, it's best not to control or resist the feelings. When different emotions arise be gentle with yourself and patient. When these feelings are not resisted, they simply come to awareness and then fade away. Feelings that are repressed come out later in different ways, including various physical symptoms, phobias and unwanted behaviors. If we do not address our feelings in one mode, they will appear in another - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Through acceptance of reality, of oneself and the other, one develops the power the affirm life, and to grow. One can then give to others, and become a source of inspiration, and live a life that is meaningful. The discovery and experience of value and meaning in one's life and one's losses is the most potent healing of all. Hopefully, we come to a point where forgiveness can take place, (forgiveness of the person we've lost, forgiveness of ourselves, the universe, or whatever it is we feel anger with). In order to do this, it is deeply helpful to realize that all of life is temporary. People possessions, situations are given to us for a short time. As we acknowledge the transitory nature of life, we can then begin to look deeper and see what it is that we never lose. Below are a couple of exercises that are helpful in coming to terms with the relationship you have lost, and with the meaning of loss itself. Exercise - Giving Gifts Make a list of the gifts you received from the person, the ways they taught and inspired you. Now find ways to give those gifts to others. As you do so, not only will you be acknowledging what you received from that person, but honoring their memory and keeping their spirit alive. Exercise - It Suffices Whenever you think of the person and the way they fell short, what they didn't give you, say to yourself, "It Suffices." This is in recognition that they gave all they could, being who they were, and that you can feel satisfied with what you received. (This is an ancient Buddhist practice) Prayer, Silence And Meditation Of course the deepest sense of healing, peace and security can come from our connection to God, A Higher Power or our Higher Selves, (different people call it by different names). During the process of grieving it is very helpful to be able to connect with that which is ultimately meaningful to you. Either through prayer, silence, contemplation or meditation, know that you are looked after and protected and that there is a larger purpose in all that happens, though you may not be totally aware of it. Our true security, in all kinds of circumstances, comes from this kind of understanding. Exercise - Turn to a feeling you are having and enter a dialogue with it. Ask, "What are you saying to me?" Listen for an answer. Ask, "What can I learn from this difficult situation? How can I grow strong?" Become silent and listen. As you do this more and more, insight and inspiration will come your way. - Think of three times in your life when you felt particularly sad or upset. Notice how you handled it. Did you express the feeling? Did you take action on it? Did you pretend it wasn't there? What happened to you physically? Take a moment to write all this down. Look at the connections between your feelings, actions and reactions. Become aware. As you become more aware of the journey grief takes you on, you will grow, emotionally and spiritually. You will realize that after loss, something new is always born. Life never stops offering opportunities. Knowing this you will become a source of strength and inspiration to others at this time as well. Cc/author/2005 Discover crucial steps that will turn a time of loss into one of strength and hope. Dr Brenda Shoshanna, psychologist, speaker, relationship expert has offered over 500 workshops on all aspects of relationships and personal development, including dealing with illness, change and loss. She is the author of many books including The Anger Diet, (30 days to Stress Free Living), McMeel, http://www.theangerdiet.com, and Journey Through Illness and Beyond, http://www.journeythroughillness.com/ Zen Miracles (Finding Peace In An Insane World), Wiley. You can contact her at: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. or http://www.brendashoshanna.com
Latest News:Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for news Myanmar's Suu Kyi to get family letters, news mags (Reuters via Yahoo! News) Detained Myanmar opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi has managed to wring small concessions from the ruling generals in the form of letters from her family and some international news magazines, her lawyer said on Friday. JCDecaux and News Corp. in talks to combine outdoor ad groups (International Herald Tribune) The News Corp. chief executive, Rupert Murdoch, has recently expressed nervousness about investments in Russia, where News Outdoor generated the bulk of its revenue last year. JCDecaux in talks for News Outdoor Group in Russia (AP via Yahoo! News) French outdoor advertising firm JCDecaux SA said Thursday it is negotiating to buy Russian rival News Outdoor Group from global media company News Corp. News Corp tightens grip on Premiere with new CEO (Reuters via Yahoo! News) Rupert Murdoch tightened his grip on German pay-TV broadcaster Premiere by appointing News Corp executive Mark Williams as CEO in a move to get the company back on track. SEC Looks Into UAL Stock Scare; Implications For Online News? (paidContent.org via Yahoo! Finance) A ton of digits have been devoted to this in other spots but the SEC's decision to investigate takes it to another level. The backstory: a six-year-old news story about UAL declaring bankruptcy made it into the Tribune-owned Sun-Sentinel's current news flow, was picked up by a Google News bot and, via a reporter for a newsletter, made it onto Bloomberg News. Phila. mayor to announce grim budget news (The Philadelphia Inquirer) The Nutter administration is expected to announce grim budget news today, which is all but certain to lead to significant spending cuts - perhaps as high as 10 percent - in some city departments, according to three sources familiar with the budget. SEC Looks Into UAL Stock Scare; Implications For Online News? (CBS News) A ton of digits have been devoted to this in other spots but the SEC's decision to investigate takes it to another level. The backstory: a six-year-old news story about UAL declaring bankruptcy made it into the Tribune-owned Sun-Sentinel 's current news flow, was picked up by a Google (NSDQ: GOOG) News bot and, via a reporter for a newsletter, made it onto Bloomberg News. After a lot of buck ... DIVA TALK: Chatting with In the Heights ' Mandy Gonzalez Plus News of Fraser, Testa and Bundy (Playbill) News, views and reviews about the multi-talented women of the musical theatre and the concert/cabaret stage. JCDecaux in talks to buy News Corp. billboard unit (AP via Yahoo! Finance) In a deal that would create the world's largest outdoor advertising company, French conglomerate JCDecaux SA said Thursday that it is in talks to buy Russian rival News Outdoor Group from global media company News Corp. News Corp says Mark Williams interim Premiere CEO (Reuters via Yahoo! News) News Corp. executive Mark Williams has taken over as chief executive of German pay-TV broadcaster Premiere in an interim capacity, News Corp. said after the move led to renewed takeover speculation. Site: news - Google News News Analysis A Difficult Road Awaits Panetta at the CIA - New York Times
MORE RESOURCES: Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for grief loss Grief recovery seminar Sept. 20 (The Galesburg Register-Mail) Bethel Baptist Church, 1196 N. Academy St., will have a free grief recovery seminar from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. Sept. 20 for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one. America reflects on loss (Detroit News) NEW YORK -- Familiar rituals of grief marked the seventh anniversary of Sept. 11 on Thursday as thousands paid tribute at the attack sites, the presidential candidates laid flowers at ground zero and children mourned parents they are barely old enough to remember. Tsunami survivors went through complex process of trauma and grief (New Kerala) Washington, September 11 : Conducting in-depth interviews of people who survived the Indian Ocean tsunami or those who lost their loved ones in the disaster, nurse researchers found that such individuals went through a complex process of trauma and grief. Thousands gather, grieve at sites of Sept. 11 crashes (Arizona Daily Star) NEW YORK ? Familiar rituals of grief marked the seventh anniversary of Sept. 11 on Thursday as thousands paid tribute at the attack sites, the presidential candidates laid flowers at ground zero and children mourned the loss of parents they can barely remember. Crisis team helps families of homicide victims deal with grief (Oakland Tribune) Catholic Charities crisis response network helps families with everything from grief counseling to negotiating the prices of caskets. McCain, Obama Visit Ground Zero Memorial Together (WCBS-TV New York) Presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama agreed to put partisan politics aside, in order to honor those who lost their lives on 9/11. McCain and Obama went to Ground Zero together. With Mayor Bloomberg at their side, the two symbolically and silently shared the nation's grief at the loss of life on 9/11. An Aura of Grief Surrounds a Stunned Family (New York Times) Francine Prose?s tale of a childhood summer tainted by tragedy transcends its formula, offering an unexpectedly rich, tart, eye-opening sense of its 13-year-old protagonist?s world. Rituals of loss mark 7th anniversary of 9/11 attacks; McCain and Obama visit ground zero (AM New York) NEW YORK (AP) _ Familiar rituals of grief marked the seventh anniversary of Sept. 11 on Thursday as thousands paid tribute at the attack sites, the presidential candidates laid flowers at ground zero and children mourned parents they can barely remember. Clear Lake Grief Share is Back (KIMT Mason City) CLEAR LAKE, Iowa - A Clear Lake couple is using a devastating time in their lives to help others. Will and Joyce Hunsaker lost their daughter in a motorcycle accident two years ago. Since then they have started a "grief share" group at their church in Clear Lake to help others cope. A 9/11 Loss Some Can See From Their Window, Still (New York Times) Recovery has eluded some for whom the World Trade Center towers were the crowning jewel of their view. Site: grief loss - Google News Grief, loss expressed at vigil - Gloucester Daily Times
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