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Divorce--Negotiating Agreement: Ten Steps
The best predictor of a good divorce outcome is the degree of client control over the negotiation--everything works much better if you have it. This doesn't mean you should not get help and advice from an attorney if you want it; it means you are better off if you plan to do most or all of the negotiating yourself.
2. Meet on neutral ground: Find a neutral place to meet, not the home or office of either spouse where there could be too many reminders, memories, personal triggers. Or the visiting spouse could feel at some disadvantage and the home spouse can't get up and go if things get out of hand. Try a restaurant, the park, borrow a meeting space or rent one if necessary.
5. Build agreement:
Next, write down the things you don't agree on. Always keep trying to refine your differences--to make them more and more clear and precise. Try to break differences down into digestible, bite-sized pieces. 7. State issues in a constructive way: "Reframing" is when you restate things in a more neutral way, to encourage communication and understanding. For example: One spouse says, "I have to keep the house." Reframe: "What I would like most is to keep the house, that's my first priority, because . . . What the house means to me is . . ." 8. Get legal advice: Typically, legal questions come up as you negotiate. Get advice; find out if the laws of your state provide a clear, predictable outcome on your particular issue. Don't hesitate to get more than one opinion. 9. Be patient and persistent: Don't rush, don't be in a hurry. Divorces take time and negotiation takes time. Whenever someone hears a new idea, it takes time to percolate. It takes time for people to change their minds. It may take time to shift your mutual orientation from combative to competitive to cooperative. So don't just do something; stand there! A slow, gradual approach takes pressure off and allows emotions to cool. 10. Get help: Negotiating with your spouse may not be easy; you're dealing with old habits, raw wounds, entrenched personality patterns--all the obstacles to agreement all at once. A third person can really help keep things in focus. Mediators are professionals who are specially trained to help you negotiate; they are expert at helping couples get unblocked and into an agreement. Mediation is very effective and it usually goes quickly. Before you begin to negotiate, get a copy of Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better (the book from which this article was excerpted) for you and your spouse. Then, if possible, discuss parts of it together. There are many good books about negotiation, but one of the best and easiest to read is the little (150-page) Penguin paperback by Fisher and Ury, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, available at www.divorcehelp.com, along with other recommended books and software. Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from http://www.nolodivorce.com or by calling (800) 464-5502.
Latest News:Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for news [News] 5 O'Clock Shadow News you can't leave work without: Asamoah makes a deal News of record News of record reports for Chelan and Douglas counties Newport News police seek help on wave of thefts from cars NEWPORT NEWS A rash of summer-night car break-ins and vandalism has police asking the public for help, and warning them to lock their vehicles. Newport News hit with rash of car break-ins NEWPORT NEWS -- Police are asking for help in solving a large number of car break-ins and vandalism cases in Newport News. According to police, 134 cases were reported in the area between J. Clyde Morris Blvd. and Oyster Point Road since June 1. Most of the incidents were between J. Clyde Morris and Middle Ground Blvd. and happened during the early evening hours. Police say many thefts happened ... NEWS ALERTS: Sign up to get breaking news on your mobile phone Get breaking local news as it happens. Enter your phone number: Standard Messaging Rates or other charges apply. To Opt-out text STOP to 4INFO (44636). For more information text HELP to 4INFO (44636). Contact your carrier for more details. Powered by 4INFO. Newport News police search for suspects in string of car thefts Newport News detectives are seeking assistance from the Community, in solving a large number of cases involving damage to, and larcenies from, cars. Newport News police seek information regarding larcenies and property damage NEWPORT NEWS -- Police are investigating 134 cases of damage to cars and larcenies from cars that occurred between June 1 and July 25, according to police. News in brief Here are a selection of brief news items from this week?s paper edition, and possibly a few news briefs that didn?t make it in the paper. Newport News townhouse damaged by fire NEWPORT NEWS A townhouse in the 1000 block of Willow Green Drive was damaged by fire this morning, fire officials said. One of the residents had minor burns to his hand, a Fire Department news release says. An off-duty city firefighter/medic helped evacuate the adjoining homes. News of the Past who has deep genealogical roots to Winston County, provides news from past editions of the Winston County Journal. The Winston County Board of Supervisors posted a notice of the new "Dog Law" which was passed in the July term. Site: news - Google News Arizona News Round Up - San Francisco Chronicle (blog)
MORE RESOURCES: Site: Yahoo! News Search Results for divorce Divorce can cost less if done together Divorce is all about separating. But, it can be achieved more cheaply if done together. Divorce tycoon can hide wealth in landmark ruling A millionaire dubbed the ?Man from Del Monte? today won a landmark victory in a £350 million divorce battle. 'Mature divorce' on cards in Capital trams dispute CITY leaders say they expect a "mature divorce" over the Edinburgh tram project after an improvement in relations with contractors Bilfinger Berger. Divorce olympics A nasty, "War of the Roses"-type divorce is rocking one of Europe's oldest hedge funds -- the onetime $3.4 billion Ikos family of funds founded by the now-battling husband-and-wife team whose privileged life of private jets, yachts and, recently, a possible 23-year-old Brazilian mistress has become the... Landmark ruling on divorce money A "ground-breaking" Court of Appeal judgement removes the protection previously given to thousands of people in divorce proceedings. Case for divorce already rejected by European Court of Human Rights A 24-year-old judgment by the European Court of Human Rights may dampen lawyer Lynn Zahra?s hopes of getting the Strasbourg court to ?force? Malta to introduce divorce since it was not deemed to be a human right. Courts bar dodgy documents from divorce cases Hildebrand rules hustled out People involved in divorce wrangles will no longer be able to use dodgily-obtained documents to prove their spouse is hiding money, following a landmark Court of Appeal ruling.? Kyron Horman's stepmom won't contest divorce from Kyron's dad PORTLAND, Ore. -- Terri-Moulton Horman, the stepmother of missing 7-year-old Kyron Horman, will not contest her estranged husband's request for a divorce. A "motion to abate" document was filed by Terri's attorney Peter Bunch Wednesday. In it, Terri agreed not to contest the divorce, saying that intense media and law enforcement scrutiny and speculation prevented her from handling the case in an ... Smith had affair with staffer, divorce records say Smith had affair with staffer, divorce records say Oregon boy's stepmom says no contest in divorce PORTLAND -- The stepmother of Kyron Horman says she will not contest a divorce from the father of the missing 7-year-old Oregon boy who disappeared nearly two months ago. Site: divorce - Google News Kyron Horman Update: Stepmom Asks for Divorce Delay - CBS News
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